


If I had my Time Again

by Abiggaynerd



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Groundhog Day, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt, There is major character death but none of it is permanent, very minor jared/connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-16 15:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12345675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abiggaynerd/pseuds/Abiggaynerd
Summary: Jared is trapped in an endless loop of the first day of school, over and over and over again.(Groundhog Day au!!)





	1. Chapter 1

Jared woke to the sound of his alarm clock blaring. He whacked around, eyes closed, until he managed to slam his hand down on the off button. He groaned.

“Jared! First day of school, get up!” his mother called from downstairs.

Jared grumbled to himself, burrowing deeper into the cave of blankets that surrounded him.

“Jared! Get up! Jared!”

“Okay, mom, I’m up, I’m up!” Jared shook his head. “Geez.”

Jared began to get ready. He took his shower, making sure to put as much cologne as possible on. He put on his clothes, which he had meticulously picked out last night. He looked in mirror, satisfied- he looked cool, but not like he was trying too hard. He picked up his bag, and when his mother called again, he rushed downstairs to eat breakfast.

“Big day, huh? You excited?” his mother asked as she put her phone into her purse. She smiled at him.

Jared nodded. “Yep. I’ve really missed Evan, it’ll be nice to see him again.” He stuffed an entire piece of toast in his mouth. “Been lonely.”

“I was talking about school.”

“Oh, that? No. I fu-freaking hate school.”

His mother laughed. “Well, maybe this year will be better! Maybe you’ll make some new friends! Besides Evan.”

Jared scowled, and took another bite of toast angrily. “Why would I need anyone else?”

“Jared, you know you need more than one friend.”

“Leave me alone,” Jared snapped. “It’s none of your business.” 

“Jared,” his mother said warningly. 

Jared’s hands balled into fists. He stared at his plate.

“Well, I’m going to go now. I won’t be home until tomorrow night, so I’ll see you then.”

His mother left. Jared finished the rest of his meal in silence. 

Jared drove to school in his pride and joy, his car- even though it had dents and it was clearly pretty old, he adored it to pieces. He couldn’t wait to drive Evan around in it- last year he hadn’t been able to, as he hadn’t had his license long enough. He’d offer Evan a ride home once school was over, he decided. He pulled into a spot in the school parking lot, and walked inside. It was cloudy today, he noticed. 

Immediately after walking inside, Jared was accosted by Alana Beck.

“Jared! Jared Klienman!” she said, clapping her hands together. “Happy first day!!”

Jared glared, not wanting to deal with her. “Who are you?”

A look of hurt crossed her face. “A-Alana Beck,” she said. “We did a few projects together last year, remember?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “So… why are you talking to me?”

Alana wilted further. “Um, I just thought we were…” She shook her head, and smiled. “You’re one of my closest acquaintances! I thought I should give you a warm back to school welcome!” 

“What, do you live here or something?” Jared scoffed. He pushed past her, ignoring the hurt look on her face. 

A few feet later, he slipped and fell on his back, not noticing a wet floor sign. 

“Are you okay?” Alana asked, concerned. A few students walking past laughed at him.

“Does it LOOK like I’m okay,” Jared snapped, not glancing in Alana’s direction. He stood back up and stalked away.

Jared found Evan quickly, and his mood immediately shifted. He swaggered up to Evan with his practiced cool walk, grinning widely. He hadn’t seen Evan in person in a while, only speaking through texting and phone calls.

Evan had a broken arm- odd, since he had never talked about it when they were texting or calling. Jared broached the subject gracefully.

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jacking off too much or do you consider that an honor?”

Evan jumped and sputtered, embarrassed.

“So, paint me a picture- you’re in your bedroom-“

“Thats not what happened!!” Evan said, blushing. Jared smirked. It was almost too easy to rile Evan up. “Obviously. I was climbing a tree, and um. I fell.”

“You fell? What are you, an acorn?”

“Well, I was, I don’t know if you know this but I was an apprentice park ranger this summer. I’m kinda a tree expert now. Not to brag or anything…”

Evan paused. Jared wanted to pinch his cheeks… So cute. 

“Anyway, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree.”

Jared frowned. Evan didn’t have a cute flustered look on his face anymore- he looked haunted, almost. “And then you fell?”

Evan snapped back to reality. “Oh, um, well it’s kinda a funny story because there was this solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there on the ground waiting for someone to come get me. Any second now. Thats what I kept saying to myself. Any second now, here they come.”

“Did they?” 

“No. Nobody came. That’s the- that’s why it’s funny.” 

A laugh forced it’s way out of Jared’s throat in shock, though he didn’t find anything humorous at all about the story. “Jesus Christ.”

“Anyway,” said Evan. “How did you do- what was the- you had a good summer?”

Jared, eager to get that terrible look off of Evan’s face, was relieved at the change of subject. “Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag, and I got to the second base below the bra with a girl from Israel who's going to be in the army, so yeah. Hopefully that answers your question.”

Hopefully it did, because Jared hadn’t made anything else up.

Evan bit his lip and tugged on his shirt’a hem, debating something with himself. 

“Do you want to sign my cast??”

Jared blinked. 

“Why are you asking me?” 

He wouldn’t sign Evan’s cast- he knew it wouldn’t get another signature. Better to leave it blank. Showing off the fact that he only had one friend was a bit too pathetic, even for Evan.

On top of that, he didn’t want Evan to catch on to how much he really loved- cared about him, because that would be pathetic. Sometimes it was best to be distant. Play hard-to-get. Leave Evan the one desperate for attention, inside of himself.

“I just thought- because we’re friends-“

“We’re family friends. It’s a whole different thing and you know it.” Jared said, and punched Evan playfully on his non-injured arm. “Hey. Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you or else my parents won’t pay my car insurance,” he lied. 

“I will.”

Jared caught sight of Connor Murphy, the school’s resident freak.

“Hey Connor!” Jared shouted. Evan flinched, and grabbed Jared’s shirt, tugging. “Loving the hair. Very school shooter chic.”

Connor stopped, and turned his head to glare at Jared, very slowly. He said nothing. Jared began to sweat nervously. 

“I was kidding. It was just a joke.”

Connor stared at him. “Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you see how hard I’m laughing?”

Connor took a step closer. 

Jared jumped back, laughing nervously. “You’re such a freak.” He bolted, leaving Evan alone.

—-

“Dear Evan Hansen: 

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. 

I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. 

I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? 

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, 

Me

—-

Jared went to his classes. Most of them consisted of introductions and review. The names of his classmates he forgot instantly. 

Afterwards, he went looking around for Evan to offer a ride, but couldn’t find him anywhere. He drove home by himself, grumbling. 

He brightened again when Evan called him. 

“A letter to yourself? What the crap does that even mean? Is it some kind of sex thing?”

“No, it’s not a sex thing, it’s- it was an assignment!”

“Why are you talking to me about this?” 

“I didn’t know who else to talk to- you’re my only- family friend…” 

Jared laughed. “Oh my god.”

Evan began to hyperventilate. “I just- I don’t know what to do. Connor just took it and I’m not sure what to do and I need this letter, or my therapist will get mad at me but if I go to his house and ask for it Connor will be mad at me well he already is mad but-“

“Evan. Calm down.”

“What is he gonna do with it??”

“I dunno, man, Connor is batshit insane. Remember that time in second grade he threw a printer at a teacher because he couldn’t be line leader?”

“Do you think he’ll show it to anyone?”

“He’s going to ruin your life with it,” said Jared sarcastically. He knew for a fact that nothing Evan would write would be bad enough to ruin anything. “For sure. I mean, I would.”

Evan, not catching the sarcasm, let out a whine and hung up.

“u ok,” Jared texted him, used to Evan hanging up during phone calls.

“Yes” Evan responded. 

Jared began to spam emojis, but Evan didn’t respond again. 

Jared sighed, and flopped back on his bed. He glanced at his homework, but made no move to start it- it was the first day, why were they giving it out anyway? 

He could do it tomorrow.

—-

Jared woke to the sound of his alarm clock blaring. He whacked around, eyes closed, until he managed to slam his hand down on the sleep button.

“Jared! First day of school, get up!” his mother called from downstairs.

Jared grumbled to himself, burrowing deeper into the cave of blankets that surrounded him.

Wait.

Jared stood up so fast he became dizzy and his vision went black for a moment. “What are you doing home, mom?” he hollered down. “I thought you weren’t coming home until tonight?”

“What are you talking about?”

“And- and the first day was yesterday! Remember?”

“I think you just had a dream, Jared. Now go get ready!”

Jared frowned, running his hand through his hair. 

He got ready slowly, pulling on the same clothes he had worn- yesterday? In a dream? They weren’t in the hamper where he had put them last night. His eyes trailed over his room- his backpack was sitting neatly on a chair even though he knew he had left it on the floor, and there weren’t any papers thrown about the room either. He walked downstairs, a sinking feeling of wrongness in his chest.

“Big day, huh? You excited?”

Jared stared at her for a moment. “Uh- yeah,” he said, distractedly. 

“Maybe you can make some new friends besides Evan this year.”

“S-sure.”

Jared’s mother smiled, and pecked him on the forehead. “I’ll be back tomorrow night. I love you!”

“Bye, Mom,” Jared said, still feeling dazed. He forced himself to eat a few bites of breakfast, but felt sick and threw the rest away.

He drove to school, barely present. 

“Jared! Jared Klienman! Happy first day!” 

Jared jumped a foot in the air at Alana’s voice. She smiled at him. 

“Sorry for scaring you!”

Okay, something was wrong. Maybe he was still asleep. Maybe this was a prank. Maybe he was really, really high on shit Conner Murphy could only dream of. Maybe it was some kind of reality show. 

Whatever it was, Jared didn’t like it one bit. Alana looked concerned, a hand coming up to rest on her cheek.

“Is everything alright, Jared?”

“Yeah- yeah, everything’s fine, why wouldn’t it be fine,” Jared said, refusing to look anywhere near Alana. “I gotta go.”

He tried to bolt, but slipped over the wet spot on the floor again. It hurt worse, that time, and he slid a little ways due to the buildup from the running. Jared yelled in pain.

“Ah, fuck!”

“Are you okay??!” Alana asked, rushing over and kneeling down to check on him.

“‘m Fine,” Jared snapped, pushing her away. He stood up, almost slipped again, and ran to find Evan.

Who was still wearing a cast.

“You’re wearing a cast,” said Jared. Evan jumped.

“Um- ye-yeah I got it because I was climbing a- well you see I was an apprentice park ranger-”

“Don’t care,” Jared said, tapping his foot and fidgeting wildly. “I’m not going to sign your cast, either.”

“O-oh, well, that’s fine-“

“Do you ever get deja vu?”

“What?” 

“Look, I’m kinda freaking out here- is everyone pulling a prank on me or some shit? Because if you are-“

“No, what are you talking about?”

“Okay, then am I asleep? Is this some weird creepy dream? It’s gotta be, right? Tell me if I’m dreaming, dream people always tell you if you’re dreaming-“

“Jared, what the hell?”

“Like- seriously it’s gotta be- did something happen? Am I high? Do I look high, Evan? That’s a serious question, I need to know-”

“J-Jared just calm down-“

Jared shrieked as Connor Murphy walked by.

Connor stared at the two of them. Finally, he spoke. “What's up with him,” he asked Evan, who was trying to melt into the ground. 

“FREAK,” Jared yelped, and bolted again. 

Jared wasn’t going to deal with this. Not today. He ran out to his car, drove home, and went right back to bed.

But before he did that, he unplugged his clock and absolutely trashed his bedroom.

—-

“Dear Evan Hansen: 

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

Jared was acting really weird today. He was kind of being an asshole like normal, but he was kind of freaking out- I think he might be mentally ill? Or maybe just making fun of me…

Well, it doesn’t matter. All my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. 

I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. 

I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? 

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, 

Me

—-

The alarm went off. Jared sat up. “NO-“

“Jared! First day of school, get up!” 

“No-” Jared pressed his back against his headboard. He tugged on his hair. He looked around his room frantically. His room was clean, and nothing he had done last night had stuck. It was like it had never happened. “No, no-“

“Jared?”

Jared raced downstairs, nearly falling. “Why are you here? You shouldn’t be back until tonight!!

His mother smiled at him comfortingly. “I think you’re confused, sweetie. I know the stress of first day is a lot, and all, but-“

“What the FUCK is happening??!?” Jared ran outside in his pajamas, ignoring his mother calling him. “What the fuck- fuck, help me, shit, no, no no fuck- I can figure this out-“ He turned on the car, needing a few tries because of how much his hand was shaking. “What the fuck, shit-“

He drove to the school, blowing by two stop signs. He stumbled out of his car. He was earlier than usual, but people were still there- he ran up to one and asked them,

“Is this the first day of school?”

“Yeah,” the student said. Jared ran inside. 

“Ja-“

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” Jared screamed at Alana, and slipped yet again. Evan came through the door, still wearing a cast- Jared pointed at it and shrieked. 

“Jared?!”

“FUCK!!“ Jared began to hyperventilate. He pushed out of the door, ran as fast as he could back into his car, and called his mother. 

“Sweetie? Are you-?”

“Mom,” Jared sobbed into the phone. “I think I’m going crazy, it’s the same day over and over again and I don’t know what to do, please help me!!”

—-

His mother cancelled her business trip.

“I knew you weren’t feeling well,” she said, pressing her head against Jared’s forehead for the umpteenth time. “It’s a shame it’s on the first day of school- but there isn’t much going on the first day usually, anyway.”

Jared whined pathetically.

“I’ve been through it two times… Don’t need to do it again…”

His mother bit her lip. “You’ll be fine, sweetie. Don’t worry. I got the best therapist I could on such short notice.”

His mother pulled into a parking spot, and led Jared into a waiting room that smelled strongly of incense. Jared’s nose wrinkled.

“Jared Klienman?” 

A middle aged man peeked his head out from behind a door. He waved Jared in. Jared sat down on the hard white sofa, and the man put his bare feet on the table. Jared grimaced.

“So, Jared, what seems to be the problem?”

“I think I am losing my mind- I’m like, stuck, in a timeloop-“

“Hm. Have you tried… Not being stuck?”

“Wow. Never thought about that. You fixed it. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I was being sarcastic!”

“Oh.”

“Are you really a qualified professional?”

“I took an online course for a week or so.” 

—-

The next therapist was a woman, in a much more medical room.

“I’m stuck- I’m losing my mind-“

“I think I know what’s wrong.”

“Really?”

“You need an enema.”

“What??”

She nodded, confident. “It should loosen you up.”

“I mean- I don’t see how that’ll help- I’m stuck, not-“

—-

The next one was another woman, who’s office was filled with plants and who wore nothing but green. 

“I think your problem is a gluten allergy.”

“No- no, I’m stuck in time, not sick-“

“Gluten is fattening, and you’ve got quite enough of that.”

“Excuse me??”

“No more gluten.”

“Fine, whatever.”

“Better a diet of soup.”

“Soup??” 

“In particular, a very special soup that can only be bought from my store-“

—-

The next guy was somewhat… Shady.

“I’m not technically legally allowed to do this, but you want some cow tranquilizers?”

—-

Jared tried again and again to find someone to help him, until the doctors all blended together and he forgot which day he was on- around a week, maybe? But it was pointless, he eventually realized. They didn’t know how to deal with it any more than he did. 

Jared gave up. 

He sat on the floor in a hall in the school, slumped over in misery. Classes had already started, but Jared couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Connor Murphy walked by, and did a double take. 

“Klienman? What are you doing?”

“Connor,” said Jared miserably, looking up. “Do you ever feel like your life is just the same day repeating over and over and nothing you do matters?”

Connor stared at him for a moment. 

“Do you wanna ditch and get drunk with me?” said Connor.

“GOD yes.”


	2. Chapter 2

They had settled in some abandoned park, sitting under some huge trees. They were surrounded by empty bottles, and a few full ones. Jared threw aside the bottle he had finished, and picked up a new one. 

“Alcohol is my only friend,” Jared announced, chugging his new bottle of- well, at this point he wasn’t really sure. It didn’t mater. As long as it got him drunk, it was fine.

“What about that uh-“ Connor made a weird movement. “That guy. The one you follow around.”

“I don’t follow him around!”

“I’ve been in the same school as you since kindergarten. I knoow shit.”

“Fuck off. His name is Evan.”

“Evan’s your friend. 

“Not really.”

“What do you mean?”

“If we didn’t know each other as kids, he probably wouldn’t tolerate me. He probably hates me.”

“Because you’re a dick,” Connor said helpfully. 

“I’m going to kick your ass,” Jared announced. 

“Please do.”

Jared sighed, staring at his bottle. “Recently I’ve just been. Having the same day over and over again. Trapped in a loop- stuck in time. Like, what’s the point of living if its the same thing over and over and over? Nothing matters, and there’s no way to get out.”

“Hm.” Connor finished his bottle. “Well, one of the nice things about nothing-mattering is that if nothing matters, you can do whatever you want.”

“I- I guess you’re right..?”

“Believe me, buddy, I know exactly what I’m talking about. Nothing’s mattered since like uh, when I was a preteen or something. Fuck, I don’t even know. The point is nothing matters and nobody cares what we do.” Connor’s face darkened. “Nobody cares if I’m alive.”

“Hm.”

Jared pointed at the sky. 

“It’s dark as fuck.”

“Huh.”

“I’ll drive you home.”

“Dude, you’re drunk as shit right now.”

“Yep.”

Connor shrugged. “It’s your car.”

“It sure is.”

Jared stood up, wobbling a little, and led Connor back to the car.

As soon as Connor sat down, Jared floored it.

“SHIT,” Connor said, hands scrambling for something to hold onto. “What the HELL, Kleinman?”

Jared grinned, and pressed on the gas even more. He was going over 80 now.

“Your point was nothing matters, right?”

“I mean. Yeah.”

“That means everything is UTTERLY REPERCUSSION FREE! No consciences at all!! Like, you said we can do whatever we want! And you’re right! And right now I wanna go fast as shit!”

Sirens began wailing behind them. Connor twisted around to see.

“Heads up, you got three cops chasing ya,” he said. 

“They wanna chase? I’ll give them a chase.” 

Jared had never driven so fast in his life- he was going almost 100 mph, and he felt ALIVE. He also felt very drunk. Connor vomited, then began to cheer Jared on.

“Go faster, you fucking pussy!”

Jared grinned and did so. Connor laughed.

“You’re gonna fucking kill us,” Connor said. 

“It doesn’t matter though!!”

They both laughed hysterically until they cried.

Then they were cut off by a police car in front of them, and were arrested.

—-

Jared woke up to the sound of his alarm clock, and his mother calling. 

“Holy shit.” 

Jared sat up, a huge grin spreading over his face.

“I can do WHATEVER I WANT.”

—-

“Jared! Jared K-“

Jared shoved Alana, and she tripped backwards over the wet floor and fell on her back. Jared laughed and continued walking, ignoring the tears gathering in Alana’s eyes. 

“Hey,” Jared said, sauntering up to Evan and slapping him on the ass.

“OW- Jared, what the HELL?”

Jared cackled. He turned to see Connor. 

“What’s up, you fucked up piece of shit!!” Jared shot Connor finger guns and winked. “You’re probably the only person here with worse mental health than me! Haha!!”

Jared turned around to face Evan, and grinned at him. “I’m gonna go get fucking laid. Don’t know who with, yet! Like a little mystery in my life.” Jared winked and skipped away.

—-

Jared memorized everything that happened each day. Knew each wind, each dog bark, everyone’s name. He even robbed a fucking bank with his newfound knowledge. 

And that wasn’t all.

Jared had sex with every possible gay, bi, or questioning dude he could find. Most were easy- they were teenagers, they weren’t very picky. A few took a little persuasion, some wineing and dining and the like. And some took some real work- a couple loops, where Jared had to figure out how exactly to get in their pants.

Yes, Jared had had sex with all of them. 

Well. Not all of them. Yet.

Jared swaggered into the school, wearing what he would call high fashion. A faux fur coat, a bathrobe, and black high-heeled boots, tied together with huge, tacky sunglasses pushed over his normal glasses.

Alana was too shocked to say anything. He winked at her. He walked through the halls, shooting finger guns in every student’s direction.

“JARED??”

Jared turned to face Evan, flicking his sunglasses down and smirking. 

“Hey, Acorn, lovely to see you. I don’t have time to chat right now, though.” 

Connor Murphy walked by, seemingly the only person not phased by Jared’s ridiculous attire. Jared sauntered up to him, leaning against the wall by his hand.

“Hey, babe,” Jared said. He pulled the bathrobe a little to make one side fall down his shoulder. Evan watched, mouth hung open. “What do you say you and me ditch this joint, spend a little time… Hm… Getting to know each other.” He winked, licked his lips, and made an obscene gesture with his hands. 

Connor regarded him for a moment. 

“Sure, I’m down.” 

“Then what are we waiting for,” Jared purred, grabbing Connor’s arm and tugging him down for a overtly sexual, sloppy, wet kiss.

Jared grinned at Evan, who was still staring with his mouth wide open. 

“Don’t wait up.”

—-

“Oh, fuck, right there, fuck, EVAN-“

“You’re seriously thinking about Evan Hansen right now?”

“What? No. I said Connor.”

“No, I pretty clearly heard you say Evan.”

“Uh-“

“I don’t care, or anything. It’s pretty obvious you have a thing for him.”

“What- I don’t have a thing for Evan!”

“That’s why you screamed his name during sex with me?”

“… Fuck.”

—-

So. 

Jared like Evan.

Honestly, now that he thought about it, it was obvious. He had had a crush on Evan for what seemed like his whole life.

Now that Jared knew he liked Evan, he finally had a clear goal in mind apart from doing whatever the hell he wanted.

Seduce Evan.

It was like a game. 

“Jared? You texted me to meet you here- what are you doing??”

Jared grinned at Evan over a mouthful of food.

“Hey, Ev! Have a seat, have a seat!”

Evan sat down gingerly.

“Why do you have… So much food?”

“Why do people usually have food,” Jared mocked. He held up some confection he didn’t know the name of. “Here, try this, it’s really good!”

Jared stuffed the pastry into Evan’s mouth before he could do anything. Evan chewed it pitifully.

“Aren’t you worried you’ll get sick?” Evan asked, swallowing. “Or get diabetes?”

“Nope!” Jared said cheerfully. He called loudly to the waitress. “Bring more of everything!”

“MORE??” Evan looked around at the table. Tables. With the amount of food Jared had gotten, the staff had gotten more tables to put around Jared to hold everything. “This isn’t enough?”

“Evan, if I had wanted you to complain the whole time-“ Jared stopped himself, then laughed. “Nah, I guess that’s why I invited you. Here, have a macaroon.”

Evan stared at the cookie suspiciously.

“So, Evan,” Jared said, making Evan jump. “You ever had sex?”

“Jared!” Evan said, hastily looking around to see if anyone heard. 

“You’re a virgin, aren’t you? That’s surprising. You’re attractive enough to be snapped right up.”

“Thank… you?”

“So. You too nervous to have sex, or…?”

“NO!!” Evan covered his mouth, blushing. 

“Oh, I get it! You’re waiting for true love!”

“No!!”

“So you’re not?”

“I mean, maybe- I’m not waiting for anything- or whatever, I’m like, I don’t have anyone I really want to… Do that, with?”

“Hm. Want to have sex with me?”

“WHAT!??”

“Do you want to have sex with…” Jared put his leg on the table. He wiggled his eyebrows. “Me.”

“No!”

“Why not? What would you change? Please tell me in vivd detail.”

“Fuck, Jared, just- shut up!!” Evan stood up, knocking food to the ground. “Even if you weren’t making fun of me, I’d never want to actually do anything with you because you’re such an ASSHOLE!!”

“Oh, Evan’s got a feisty side, huh!”

Evan let out a strangled scream and ran out of the restaurant.

“Hm. Don’t be an asshole. I can do that.”

—-

He could not. 

—-

“Evan, what do you look for in a guy?”

“We-well I mean, I am bisexual, Jared, so-“

“Or girl, person, whatever, just tell me what you want.”

“I’ll probably never find anyone… I mean, even if they came, and they liked me, something else would probably go wrong…”

“EVAN.” 

“Well I mean, I guess, I mean I would probably like someone who wears nice clothes, and has nice hair, and their eyes would be brown, or blue, or green- well, I don’t care, and their body would be toned like those muscles you get at the gym but they wouldn’t spend all their time at the gym, and they’d love reading books, they’d-“

Jared sighed, putting his head in his hands. 

“I said PERSON, not some… Sexual being of pure light. Don’t have such high standards.”

“I’m- I’m not being picky! I just want them to like me, and to like them…”

—-

“Evan.” 

Jared walked over to Evan, and gave him a hug.

“He-hey, Jared!”

“I’ve really missed you.”

“You have?”

“Yep- listen, Evan, how about instead of going to class, we ditch and just spend the day together?”

“O-oh, well, I mean, I don’t wanna miss class because then I might fail everything and my mom will cry and-“

—-

“You have?”

“Yep- listen, how about after classes, we spend rest of the day together? Just like old times.”

“Ye-yeah! I’d really like that.”

Evan blushed, smiling. 

Jared turned to see Conor Murphy.

“Hey dickbag, nice nail polish you fucking emo!”

Evan frowned. 

“Maybe- I just remember mom wanted me to go right home-“

—-

Evan blushed, smiling.

“Alright, I’ll pick you up when classes end! I’ll drive.” 

“Do- do you want to sign my cast??”

“Sure thing, babe.”

Jared scribbled on Evan’s cast. Evan smiled, before looking at it and the smile turning to a grimace. 

“Jared, I don’t want a bunch of dicks on my arm-“

—-

“Sure thing, babe.”

Jared wrote his name on Evan’s cast. Evan grinned.

“I’ll- I’ll see you later, okay? I gotta go to class but- I’ll see you later!!”

Evan ran down the hall, awkwardly waving. Jared pumped his fist once Evan was out of sight. This was going great.

—-

It was not.

—-

Jared picked up Evan. 

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to this really nice restaurant I think you’ll like.” 

“Oh! Thank you, I just. With such nice weather, I kind of want to be outside right now, haha…”

—-

“Where are we going?” 

“There’s an abandoned orchard right outside of town- I thought it might be nice to hang out there.”

“Oh!” Evan looked thrilled, then horrified. “But- but isn’t that trespassing?” 

“Nah,” Jared said quickly, not wanting to freak Evan out. “Don’t worry.”

Evan looked at his lap, smiling. “It was really nice of you to invite me out like this, Jared.”

“Haha, I’m only doing this so my parents will pay my car insurance.”

Evan wilted. “Oh. Okay.”

—-

 

Evan looked at his lap, smiling. “It was really nice of you to invite me out like this, Jared.”

“Of course Evan,” Jared said sincerely. “You’re my best friend.”

Evan looked up in shock, eyes wide and cheeked flushed.

“Really?”

“Of course. Oh, we’re here.”

Jared climbed out of the car and opened the door for Evan. 

“Th-thank you.”

Jared helped Evan over the fence, and led him through the trees, to reveal a picnic set up under a big tree. Evan gasped. 

“You- you did this for me?”

“I thought I should do something nice.”

“Oh, Jared… thank you so much! But- what if someone had gotten into the food before you came back?”

—-

“That’s why I put a lock on the basket.”

Evan sat down, a big smile on his face. Jared took out the food and served them. 

“Oh, pizza? Haha, I had that last night…”

—-

“Oh! You brought macaroni and cheese?”

“Yep! And the homemade kind, too!”

Evan took a bite, eyes fluttering shut. “This is soo good, Jared.”

“Great. Can we fuck now?”

—-

“Thank you, I made it special for you.”

“You made this yourself??”

“Yep! Kleinman family recipe.”

Evan smiled shyly. “It seems like a lot of trouble to go through just for me.”

Jared laughed. The macaroni and cheese, out of everything, was not a particularly hard challenge to overcome. “You’re worth it.”

Evan smiled into his lap. He giggled nervously, and tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear.

“So- how did you break your arm?”

Evan’s face fell.

—-

“So- how was your summer?”

“It was pretty okay! I was an apprentice park ranger… not to brag.”

Jared burst out laughing. Evan stood up.

“If you’re just gonna make fun of me, I’m going to leave!”

—-

“That’s amazing, Evan. You know, I always say, people need to care more about the environment.”

“Me- me too!!” 

They finished the meal, chattering about meaningless garbage Jared had memorized and didn’t give two shits about. Jared stood up and began to put the empty plates back into the basket. 

“Jared?” 

“Hm?”

“Um, well, not that I’m not grateful, but… I kinda thought you hated me. Why did you bring me here?”

Jared stared at Evan in shock. “What?!?” 

Evan looked away. 

“Of course I don’t hate you!” Jared slapped his forehead. “Evan, you’re my best friend!”

“I- I am??”

Jared sighed. “Yeah- I just kind of. Assumed you knew, I guess.” 

Evan’s eyes were big and glittery. “Really?”

“Yes, geez…” Jared rubbed at his face, embarrassed.

Evan smiled.

Suddenly, he was on top of Jared, pushing him into a pile of leaves and landing on top of him. Jared blew a leaf out of his mouth, and Evan giggled. 

Evan was leaning in, closer, closer, eyes hooded. Jared felt like celebrating. Their lips met.

Evan’s kiss was chaste and gentle, and Jared tried to make it something more. But as soon as Jared pushed, Evan shot back. 

“You- I’m sorry!!” Evan blurted out. “That was a mistake!”

Jared licked his lips. “No it wasn’t.” He pulled Evan back to him, but Evan pushed him away. 

“No- no you hate the environment, you’ve said you hated spending time with me hundreds of times, and- and you always make fun of me whenever I like someone!” Evan’s eyes turned dangerous. “You’re FUCKING with me!”

Jared flinched. 

“What did I do wrong? Please tell me exactly what I did.”

“You’re not even DENYING it!” 

“Well- well of course you’re wrong, Ev.”

“You’re always mean to me and making fun of me and I don’t know why I thought today would be any different!!” Evan wailed. He scrubbed tears off his face. “I don’t even LIKE picnics!” 

“Got it, no picnics.”

“You’re- you sound like you’re making a checklist!! You’re gonna do this again???” 

“Uh-“

“You know what!! I don’t even want to pretend to be your friend anymore.” Evan slapped Jared in the face. “Don’t talk to me again!”

—-

No matter how many dates Jared went through, they always ended with Evan running away in angry tears.

He couldn’t seem to unlock the ending he wanted. 

—-

There was a day where Jared and Evan had spent a day together. They had watched movies and ordered enough pizza to feed an army, gotten themselves drunk with Jared’s parent’s alcohol, and fallen asleep on the couch together. 

Jared wished that was the day that had repeated.

—-

Connor stood on a chair in his room, staring at the noose he had hung.

—-

Alana was alone, curled up on her bed, desperately checking her phone for a single message, a single friend. 

—-

Evan wondered if he disappeared, if anyone would notice. 

—-

Endless first dates, that started with Evan hating him. 

It was pretty clear to Jared by now- it just didn’t seem likely that he was going to get Evan to like him.

—-

He thrust a bag of candy at Evan.

“Jared, you brought me candy?!”

“Yep. Can we fuck now?”

—-

One day wasn’t enough to get Evan to like him. Jared was done. He wasn’t enough- he couldn’t be who Evan wanted. This was all that there was of him- he couldn’t be anything more.

The alarm clock blared in Jared’s ears. He sat up slowly, picked it up, and smashed it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR SUICIDE WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER

Jared ignored his mother, a feeling of numbness deep in his bones. He stood up.

He had thought about suicide plenty of times before, but none of his attempts had ever really worked. 

It would today, though.

He drove to school, face blank. He ignored Alana greeting him, ignored the bustle of the students, until he found Evan.

“Evan,” said Jared. Evan opened his mouth, but Jared shushed him. Jared kissed him on the cheek gently.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. Don’t blame yourself for anything that happens.”

“Wh-what?”

Jared left without answering. 

He drove away from the school, feeling nothing but exhaustion. 

He drove into a tree at over a hundred miles per hour, and died instantly. 

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jared opened his eyes warily. He walked downstairs, slowly, grabbing the toaster without his mother noticing. He filled his tub with water, plugged in the toaster, climbed in, and pulled the toaster in after him.

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Instead of having juice, milk, or water at breakfast, Jared opted for a nice glass of bleach. 

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP 

Jared jumped off a building, smashing into the concrete.

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jared emptied the pill cupboard, shoving handful by handful of pills into his mouth and swallowing.

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jared walked into the middle of a busy highway.

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jared shot himself in the head.

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jared bled out in the bathtub.

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jared lay in bed, ignoring his mother’s calls. He stared up, eyes unfocused. He didn’t have enough energy to move. 

He wasn’t going to be able to escape this, was he.

As much as he wanted to continue hoping that he just had to find the right way to die to stay dead, he knew it was futile. Acid, gas, guns, knives… He had tried everything, and nothing had worked. 

It was time for Jared to give up.

—-

“I am a god.”

“What? You’re God?”

“A god. Not the God. I don’t think.”

Jared stared forlornly over the hallway, leaning against his locker. 

“Maybe God isn’t all powerful. Maybe he’s just gone through everything so many times, he knows whats going to happen. And by maybe I mean that’s the case. I’m god.”

“Uh…” 

Jared threw his hands in the air. “What the hell! You’ll just forget this anyway. Evan, I’m stuck in a time loop. And no one but me remembers anything.”

“What?”

“I mean exactly what I said. I’m living the same day, over and over and over again. Today, the first day of school.”

Evan’s eyes narrowed. “Are you messing with me?”

“Don’t believe me? In a second Connor Murphy is gonna walk by.”

Connor walked by. 

Evan blinked in shock. “We-well, that doesn’t mean anything!”

Jared rolled his eyes, and walked over to Connor. 

“Connor loves his sister but seriously fucked her up, and he loves his mom more than his dad.” 

“What the hell??” Connor said. “How do you know that??”

Jared walked over to another girl. 

“This is Stacia. She’s a lesbian but has a boyfriend to keep her abusive dad from finding out, and she insists on eating everything with a fork, even soup.” Jared ignored her shocked expression, and moved on to another person. “This is Fred. He has a boyfriend but is perfectly willing to cheat on him if you pay him five bucks and a pokemon card. This is Madison, she likes to pretend online she only has eight toes for some fucking reason and this is-“

“Jared!!” 

Jared stopped, and turned to look at Evan.

“Let’s- let’s go outside.”

Jared’s mouth fell open. “But you’ll miss class.”

“Look, just- just follow me, okay?”

Jared shrugged. “Lead the way.”

—-

Evan led Jared to a bench outside, and motioned for him to sit down. Jared sighed, and did so.

“Listen, Jared- I’m not quite sure what’s going on-“

“I already TOLD you,” Jared snapped. “I’m living the same day over and over and over and over and-“ Jared cut himself off. “And I can’t escape from it. Fuck.”

“How would that- how do I know you’re not trying to play a prank on me?”

“You like boats, but are afraid of deep water. You’re afraid of everything, actually, and you think it’s normal because it’s the only thing you’ve ever known. You don’t know what it’s like to feel safe. You think your mother is going to kill you at pretty much all times, even though logically you know she loves you more than anything. You blame yourself for your dad leaving. You don’t like talking about mental illness with your mom because it makes her sad, even though she wants you to talk to her about that kind of thing. You’ve considered self harm but don’t do it because of your fear of pain. You skip meals because you’re too afraid to make them or order them. You don’t actually consider me your friend, and you think I hate you even though you’re my best friend. You assume you won’t make it to the end of each day.”

Evan stared at Jared, stupefied. 

“Your therapist makes you write a letter every day, “dear evan hansen today’s gonna be a good day and here’s why!!” And you think it’s stupid and it doesn’t really help at all but you’re too scared your therapist will be angry to stop. You’re still scared of monsters in your closet and you still have a nightlight.” Jared sighed. “Evan, I know everything about you. I… know… everything…”

Evan didn’t say anything. 

“Fuck, this sounds really creepy, huh.”

Jared closed his eyes and leaned back against the bench, not bothering to hold back tears. 

Evan took his hands.

Jared’s eyes flew open, to see Evan standing in front of him, smiling warmly. Jared’s eyes went to their hands, Evan’s encircling his own, and his face went scarlet. Jared’s eyes went back to Evan’s, questioningly. 

“Okay,” Evan said, gently. “I believe you aren’t messing with me.”

Jared blinked.

“I believe you believe you’re repeating the same day over and over. And maybe you are- but either way, you care enough about me to know all that about me.” Evan smiled wider. “I’ll help you.”

“What?”

“Let’s spend the day together, Jared.”

Jared dumbly let Evan tug him to his car.

—-

They sat in Jared’s car in the parking lot of an ice cream store.

“So,” Evan said, licking the ice cream Jared had gotten for him. “How does it… Work, exactly?”

“I have no fucking clue. But it’s like everything is reset, each day- you have no idea how many times I’ve gone through each possible choice in the day.”

“Hm.” Evan nodded. “How many times have we spent the day together like this? Me trying to help you.” 

“Actually- actually, this is the first time.”

Evan smiled. Jared smiled back.

“You know- I’m kind of jealous of you.”

“No you aren’t.”

“No, like-“ Evan took a deep breath. “Like, every single day is so scary, because once you make a choice you can’t undo it if it’s the wrong one. But if I could do what you say you can do?? I would… I would be able to forget about my anxiety. Who cares if I make a mistake! I can just fix it!”

Jared bit his lip.

“Just a day to relax- I wouldn’t have any regrets- I’ve always wanted to learn to dance!”

“Some days I go out without pants.”

“You could do anything!! A new beginning…”

“I’ve slept with around ninety percent of all the boys in our school.”

“I’d be able to strive for more without the fear of failure… Avoid everything that hurt me or others! I’d read so many books…”

“I’ve stolen eighteen million bucks.”

“And I’d worry less about my looks…”

“And I guess I’ll do it again?” 

“I would be so much calmer!”

“You think that now…” 

“If I had my time again… I would revisit all the dreams I left neglected, I would put everything right, I would learn to climb!” 

“I once masturbated seven times. In one evening.”

“I’d study math…”

“Wasn’t very fun, but still. Nice to know I can.”

“I’d run, I’d paint… Sample all the samples, look at things from different angles… The things I’d handle better!” 

“I have started seven hundred fights.” 

“I would write and write… I would bring joy to other people’s lives! The misery I could prevent… The things I’d taste, the things I’d try! And I would learn piano!”

“Why?” Jared shook his head. “Evan, these things… They’re only fun when you know they’re going to end. If you knew the endless nights, getting wasted, contemplating different ways to suicide…”

“What?!”

Jared jumped. 

“Jared…” Evan bit his lip, looking alone.

Jared stared at his lap. “I’ve tried so many times but none of them have suck. I’ve tried and tried but-“

Evan grabbed his hands again, sticky from the ice cream. “Jared. I’m so sorry, I- I-“ 

“Not your fault.” 

“I know, but-“ Evan took a deep breath. “Have I ever told you why my arm is in a cast?”

“You fell out of a tree.”

“No- I lied.”

“What?”

“I lied. I didn’t fall.”

“Then…?”

“I let go.”

Silence filled the car. They stared at each other.

“Evan,” Jared whispered. He grabbed Evan and wrapped him in a hug. They stayed like that for a while. 

“I wish I could help you,” said Evan.

“You have,” Jared whispered.

—-

They spent the rest of the day together, doing meaningless shit like riding the marry go round at the mall or walking through the park, and it was- it was nice. 

Jared felt… Okay.

They went back to Jared’s house, and Evan’s head was in Jared’s lap.

“So you, um, you slept with Connor Murphy?”

“Yeah, a couple times actually. He’s pretty much always down to pound.” 

Evan burst out laughing, a rare sound that always made butterflies rise in Jared’s stomach. 

“Hey, um, how far ahead are you in schoolwork?”

“Evan! I would NEVER study!” Jared said, in mock outrage. “But like, I’m pretty much done with highschool at the point. You’d be surprised.”

“Hmm…” Evan blinked around at the room. “I can’t wait for it to turn midnight and I get teleported back to my room.”

Jared snickered. “I don’t think it works like that, Ev.”

Evan smiled, before noticing Jared’s sad expression. “What’s wrong?”

Jared sighed. “I just- tomorrow, you’ll be gone, and you won’t remember. Any of this. And I’ll be alone again.”

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll stay with you, okay? I’ll stay with you as long as I can.”

Jared teared up a bit.

“Thanks.”

They watched movies, shit Jared had seen hundreds of times before, until Evan’s breathing evened out and he was asleep. Jared looked at him tenderly.

“Evan, you’re the best person I know. I love you more than anything. If I was anything like you… I would’ve never gotten into the mess.” 

Jared pressed a kiss to Evan’s forehead.

—-

“Jared!” 

Jared took in Alana’s cheerful face, his own face tired and miserable. 

“Jared? Are you alright?” Alana clasped her hands together. “Oh! I know!! Let’s talk about it! One second while I tell the teachers we won’t be attending classes!”

Jared blinked slowly. 

“You can do that?”

Alana giggled. “Yep! Teachers seem to love me, so they pretty much let me do whatever I want!”

“Huh.” 

\---

“So! Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Alana sat next to him on a bench outside, barely able to contain her excitement. Jared rolled his eyes. 

“Why do you even care?”

“Well,” Alana said slowly. “We’re very good- acquaintances, aren’t we?” Her hands rested on her knees. Her fingers tapped against her legs, one by one. 

“Not really.” It was true. Jared had never actually bothered to get to know Alana, in any of the resets. 

Alana’s smile faltered. “Well! I still care about you! So why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Jared regarded Alana for a good minute, her getting more uncomfortable by the second. 

“Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

Alana snorted in surprise. “What?”

“I don’t want to talk to someone I know nothing about.”

Alana’s eyes lit up, and she bounced in place. “Oh! Of course! Where should I start? I was born on-”

“Not that far back.”

“Oh.” Alana blushed. “Well, what should I talk about?”

“You know.” Jared waved his hand. “Traumas, fears, shit like that.”

“Oh!” Alana smiled- Jared honestly wasn’t sure how she could smile so much. It didn’t seem humanly possible, in his opinion. “Well, for one, I am utterly alone in the world! My parents don’t care about me, I don’t have any friends, and I am VERY depressed!”

Jared’s mouth opened and closed.

“Well, I guess you being autistic and having no idea what’s socially acceptable to talk about with near-strangers is convenient for me. Oh, don’t worry- I’m autistic too.”

Alana narrowed her eyes. “O...Kay?”

“No friends, all alone, huh?” Jared sighed. “You’re just like me.”

“But- but you have your friend, Evan Hansen!” 

“Not really.” 

Alana whimpered. “Oh… I know what that’s like. I once called a girl my friend and she got mad at me.” Alana hunched in on herself. “So I only use acquaintance now, so that doesn’t happen again.”

“Holy shit, really?” Jared barked out a laugh. 

“People don’t really… Like me, much. Because I’m autistic, like you knew, and because I’m a lesbian, and probably more stuff… I don’t get it. I’m trying really hard.”

“You- you really are, aren’t you.”

“Do you ever feel- do you ever feel like no one would care if you disappeared? Or died, or-” Alana laughed nervously. “I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be comforting you.”

“No- Alana, you’re suicidal?”

“I- I wouldn’t call it suicidal! I don’t want to um, kill myself or anything. I just- if I could press a button to make myself disappear, I would, maybe. I’m just so fucking LONELY- I’m all alone, Jared.” 

To Jared’s horror, Alana began to cry. 

“Hey- hey, don’t cry.” Jared patted Alana’s back awkwardly. “You’re not all alone. I’m here, aren’t I?”

Alana looked up at him, face wet with tears and eyes glistening. “R-really?”

“Yeah. I’m your friend.”

Alana began to cry harder, and pulled Jared into a tight hug, covering his shirt with snot.

\---

Jared drove to Connor’s house that night, because he had a really long day and desperately needed to get drunk. Or high. Or both.

He pulled over to the side of the road, shocked to see someone being wheeled out of the Murphy’s house on a gurney. He walked over slowly, utterly confused. Mr. And Mrs. Murphy were rushing alongside the gurney, and Zoe Murphy was rushing after them- he grabbed Zoe’s shoulder to talk to her. 

“Who- what happened?”

Zoe wrenched her shoulder out of Jared’s grasp. 

“Connor hanged himself,” she said, voice choked and scratched up. “He committed suicide, he’s DEAD, he’s- I gotta go-” Zoe turned and began to run after the others. Jared watched in shock. He could see Connor, just barely- his long dark hair, the huge bruise on his neck-

Jared stumbled back to his car, and watched the ambulance drive away. He gripped his steering wheel, knuckles white, but didn’t start his car.

He stayed there, frozen, until he woke up in his house again to the sound of his alarm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait!! Here's the last chapter! Hope you enjoy it!

Jared had to save Connor. 

He was GOING to save Connor.

He knew Connor was suicidal, sure, but not. Actively so. 

He tried to make a plan, but he wasn’t exactly a suicide expert- well, he was, but in the wrong way. 

“Connor,” said Jared, drinking in the relieving sight of Connor, alive and well, in front of him.

“What.”

“I- uh- are you okay?”

Jared groaned internally. 

Connor’s face became defensive immediately. He clenched his fists, and pushed by.

“No- wait!” Jared grabbed onto Connor’s shirt. Connor whirled around, smacking Jared hard. 

“Fuck OFF, Kleinman.”

“I’m not- I’m not trying to um. Upset you, or anything, I just- I’m worried about you?”

Connor huffed. “Why on earth would YOU be worried about ME? Don’t fuck with me.”

“I’m not!”

Connor shoved Jared to the ground and stalked off. 

—-

“Jared!” Alana’s face melted into one of concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just-“ Jared glanced behind him. “Connor Murphy. I think something’s wrong with him. Can you try talking to him?”

“Yes, of course!”

Jared watched Alana confront Connor in her own sweet, caring way. Connor screamed at her, making Alana cry. He stormed off.

“Hey, man, that wasn’t cool,” said Jared, chasing after Connor in the hall. “What the fuck? She was just trying to help.”

“She needs to mind her own business,” Connor snapped. “So do you, Kleinman. Leave me alone.”

“Dude, we’re worried about you!” 

Connor stopped in the hallway. Jared bumped into him. 

“You shouldn’t be.” 

—-

Jared nervously glanced at Connor, who was drinking himself to death. Haha. 

“So, Connor, I need to talk to you about something…”

Connor raised an eyebrow. 

“I, uh. I feel like I’m repeating the same day over and over. Like, nothing matters, you know?”

“Hm.” Connor finished his bottle. “Well, one of the nice things about nothing-mattering is that if nothing matters, you can do whatever you want.”

“I- I guess you’re right..?”

“Believe me, buddy, I know exactly what I’m talking about. Nothing’s mattered since like uh, when I was a preteen or something. Fuck, I don’t even know. The point is nothing matters and nobody cares what we do.” Connor’s face darkened. “Nobody cares if I’m alive.”

Jared remembered hearing this before. He hadn’t done anything- hadn’t thought anything of it. He filled with guilt. 

“Hey, I care! I’m glad you aren’t dead.”

Connor burst out laughing, and didn’t stop for a good three minutes. 

“Sorry,” Connor said. “You’re fucking hilarious.” His voice had a dangerous edge to it. Jared bit his lip.

“I mean- maybe things do matter? I mean…” Jared felt like a huge fucking hypocrite. “People care if you’re alive. And I mean, even if living sucks, maybe it’s good because the people you love are all around?”

“Don’t give me that bullshit therapy shit, Kleinman. You can’t possibly believe that.”

Jared twisted his shirt’s bottom in his hand. “I mean… Sure, living can be hard but there’s always more, right? And even if there isn’t, and everything is the same, you can still live for seeing the person you love happy.” Jared thought of Evan’s face when he was happy, and smiled like a dope.

Connor snapped him out of his trance. “The people I love would be happy to see me dead.” 

“Zoe would be devastated if you killed yourself.” 

Connor glared at him. “I didn’t say Zoe.”

“She’s your sister, dude.” Jared sighed. “Look, even if you really, really hurt her, just killing yourself won’t help her. You gotta face your problems head on!”

Connor stood up, fists clenched. “I don’t have to listen to this shit. I’m outta here.”

“Connor, wait-“ Jared grabbed Connor’s sleeve, pleadingly. “Hey, I know this sucks- believe me, I’ve tried to kill myself more times than I can count-“

Connor stopped. “You- you have?”

“Yes, and I know it seems like it fixes shit but it never does and it never will, so do you maybe just want to- I don’t know.” Jared wilted, letting go of Connor’s sleeve. “I don’t know how to help you…”

Connor didn’t say anything for a moment. 

“Maybe if anyone in this fucking school gave a shit- if I wasn’t so ALONE-“ Connor scoffed. “Bye, Kleinman.”

Jared watched him leave, slowly forming a plan. 

—-

 

“Jared! First day of school, get up!”

“I’m up!” Jared called back down, springing out of bed. He got ready as fast as he could, and ran downstairs. He kissed his mother on the cheek.

“Good morning, Mom!”

“Someone's in a good mood! You excited?”

Jared smiled. “I think today is going to be a good day. I think I’ll make some friends.”

His mother smiled widely, and hugged him. 

“Oh, Jared, I’m so proud of you!”

She left, a smile on her face. Jared drove to school, stopping twice, once to catch a kid who fell out of a tree, and once to get a cat out of the road before it got ran over.

“Jared! Jared Klienman!”

Jared threw his arms out. “Alana! Alana Beck! Happy first day!!”

“You too!!”

“Listen- after school, can you help me with something… kinda big? Since we’re friends, and all, I’d really like your help.”

Alana’s happiness practically bubbled out of her. “Yes! Of course! Friend!”

“Alright. I’ll text you later, okay?” 

“Yep!”

“Watch out for the wet floor.” 

Jared walked around the puddle, and found Evan.

“Evan!” 

“Hi- hi, Jared.”

Jared pointed at Evan’s cast. “Can I sign?”

“Oh- oh! Yeah, of course!” 

Jared signed his name, big and cursive. He smiled at Evan. 

“How’d you even get that? Are you okay?”

“Well, well it’s kind of a funny story, really, because I was an apprentice part ranger this summer- I’m kind of a tree expert now, not to brag…”

“That’s really impressive. You should tell me everything about those trees later!”

Evan’s mouth dropped open. “Ye-yeah! If you want! Um, so, I climbed a 40 foot tall oak tree but. Um. I fell.”

Jared gasped. “Holy shit, Evan, what if you had died?? Are you okay now?”

Evan stared at him in shock for another moment. “Ye-yes, I’m fine! Um, so the funny part is, I was lying there with my broken arm, and I thought to myself, someone’s gonna come, but. Um. Nobody came. Haha.”

Evan’s face turned red as Jared grabbed his hands. 

“Evan,” Jared said, seriously. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

Evan couldn’t speak. 

“I promise, that’ll never happen again, okay? You’ll always be found. Promise.”

“Th-thank you?”

Jared smiled and let go of Evan’s hands. 

“Jared? Um- do- I don’t- do you wanna ditch with me?”

Jared stared at Evan in shock. 

“I- uh- oh man, that’s surprising, Evan-”

“You- you don’t have to! I understand…”

“I’d love to, really! I just- I have a lot to do today. Later, okay? I’ll spend time with you later. You have no idea how much that means to me, seriously.”

“You’re… welcome?”

“I’ll see you later, promise.”

Jared grinned, and turned. He walked by Connor.  
“Connor! I’m loving the hair!”

Connor looked at Jared somewhat suspiciously. “Thank… you?”

“You’re welcome! Listen- can we talk, later?”

Connor crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “Why.”

“I’m not gonna like, prank you or something. I just wanna talk to you about something. After school, in the parking lot. Just- please.”

Connor glared at the ground. “Fine. But if you’re fucking with me-“

“Thanks!! See you then! Bye!!”

—-

Jared ran into the cafeteria, leading in a pizza delivery man and paying him. After he wolfed down a slice, he ran to find Evan. 

“J-Jared?”

“Hey! I know everyone’s got pizza, but I got you something else.” Jared handed Evan a box. 

“Mac and cheese??”

“I thought you might like it. I hope you do! I gotta go now-” Jared turned to leave, but Evan stopped him.

“Wh-wait!”

Jared turned around. “Is everything okay?”

“I, um.” Evan blushed and stared at the floor. “Thank you…”

Jared lit up. “You’re welcome!”

—-

Evan blinked in confusion as he slowly walked into the gym. A small crowd had formed. He had gotten a text from Jared telling him to come to the gym, but he had no idea why. 

“What- what’s going on?” Evan asked a girl standing next to him.

“This kid- Jared or something- set up this whole assembly. Cool, huh?”

“Yes?” That couldn’t be right.

The girl smiled at him and walked over to her friends, despite the fact she hadn’t really answered Evan’s question.

Evan felt his palms become sweaty. He looked around, trying to find Jared- where was he?

He jumped when he head a microphone screech. He swirled around to see none other than Jared, grinning over the crowd. 

“What up, party people!” 

Jared pumped his fist. Some students clapped politely.

“Hi!!” Alana shrieked, who was standing next to Jared. She gave a little hop in excitement. “Today my friend Jared- my good friend- and Connor Murphy,” Connor gave a little wave, “We’re gonna talk about a really important topic!”

Jared grinned. “Suicide. We’ve all wanted to do it at some point or another. I mean, most of us. But you know what? We’re not gonna do that.” 

“Right!” Alana said. “Or if you feel like no one cares, like you don’t matter. You do! I love you.”

“If you kill yourself, you’ll make Alana sad, you monster.”

“Right!” 

“But that’s why we’re here today. We’re calling it the You Will Be Found project.” 

“Have you ever lain on the ground, feeling like no one is going to find you? Like you’re all alone? Well, we’re gonna try to fix that. No one deserves to be forgotten, no one deserves to feel like they have to die. You don’t have to be alone anymore. We’re right here with you.”

Connor stepped forwards, speaking his first words. “Listen, living sucks ass, but it’ll suck slightly less if we do it together.”

Alana squealed. “Connor! I thought you weren’t going to talk!” 

“You’re making me regret this.”

Alana hugged Connor, making him sigh heavily. 

“You know, there are people like you. And I mean… if you really think about it, you shouldn’t kill yourself before you even attempt to fix your problems.” Connor shrugged. 

“And there are always people who care about you. And we’re some of those people. I once thought the only way to better days was through tomorrow, but I know now that’s not the case. We can help today, now,” said Jared. “So here’s what this project is all about: you send us letters, totally confidentially, about… I don’t know, whatever you’re feeling. No hospitals unless you want them, promise.” 

Connor made a face. “Yeah, hospitals suck.”

“We’ll send a letter back if you want us to- we can help you find resources, help, or just someone to talk to. No one deserves to feel like nothing matters. You all matter.” 

The crowd was quiet, and then began to clap, then cheer- Jared’s face lit up.

“We have an email you guys can write us at, and a letter box down there. Now I know you all came here for free food, so I made Alana get doughnuts. Go set them out, Connor.” 

“And!” Alana said. “We’re having our first ever fundraiser! All proceeds go to helping kids like us get medication and psychiatric help!”

“And the fundraiser is a night with me,” Jared said. Evan almost choked. 

“Bidding starts at five dollars!” Alana said. A couple students raised there hands- Jared looked thrilled. 

“Seven,” someone said. 

“Ten!” 

“Eleven!” 

“Fourteen!” 

“Two hundred thirty seven dollars and eighty seven cents!” 

The room went quiet, and Evan felt all eyes on him. He squeaked. 

“You realize you’re not buying him as a person, right?” said Connor.

“I’m worth more than that!”

“Yes! I know! I just- care a lot about this.” Evan blushed to his shoes. 

“Well- I suppose that settles it!” Alana smiled brightly. Evan made his way to her and poured out the contents of his wallet into her hand. “Thank you so much! We’re still accepting donations, though…”

Jared grabbed Evan’s hand. He smiled at him. He led Evan out of the room, leaving Alana in charge.

“Hey, Ev.”

“Hey,” said Evan. 

“Cool, huh? I thought it might be nice, to, you know, remind people they aren’t alone.”

“Y-yeah! You’re amazing- I mean, this was amazing, like, you worked really hard on this-“

Jared shrugged. “Alana did most of the work, really. And I think Connor is really gonna be able to help people since he’ll really be able to understand them and help them feel less alone. I think this’ll help him, too.”

“Since when are you friends with Alana and Connor? I thought- I mean, I thought I knew everything about you…”

Jared smiled, making Evan feel like he was on the outside of an inside joke. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Ev.” 

Jared hadn’t let go of Evan’s hand. 

“Well, anyway! You bought me for a night, didn’t you? What do you wanna do?”

Evan giggled. “I don’t care- what do you? I mean, I don’t know-“

“Evan. It’s alright.” 

“Can we just- I mean, you said there are a lot of things I don’t know, can we just… Spend tonight together?”

Jared smiled, a soft smile that made Evan’s stomach somersault. “Of course.”

—-

They sat in Jared’s car, near an old orchard. Evan watched the moon.

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”

Evan turned in surprise to see Jared, face illuminated by the moon, gazing at him lovingly. 

“N-no?”

“Hm. I must be pretty stupid then.” Jared didn’t take his eyes off of him.

Evan kissed Jared.

It wasn’t the best kiss, but it was perfect. Evan’s hands cradled Jared’s face. 

Evan realized what he was doing. He sprung back. 

“I’m- I’m sorry! I don’t know what came over me- you probably didn’t expect that at all!” 

Jared blinked slowly, and touched his lips. A huge smile covered his face. 

“You know, I thought I knew everything about you, too. Every hair, each line on your face, but you…” Jared reached out, brushing aside a lock of hair from Evan’s forehead. “I might not know much, but I know that I’m here, with you, and I’m fine, and I’m seeing you for the very first time. And you know what?”

“Wh- what?”

“I love you.”

—-

Dear Evan Hansen: 

Today was a good day. A great day. 

The best day I’ve had in a long time. 

—-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP 

Jared groaned, and slammed down on the alarm. 

“Time to get up, Jared” someone said. 

That someone was not his mother. 

Jared’s eyes flew open, and saw Evan getting dressed in front of him. Jared sprang up. 

“You’re- you’re still here!”

Evan’s face turned to one of uncertainty. “Should I not be? I kinda thought- I mean we did- do you not want me here?”

“No- Evan, I want you here, I want you here, I just- I didn’t think you’d still be here, I thought- what day is it?”

“It’s the second day of school…?”

“Oh my- MOM??”

“You said she isn’t home??”

“She’s- she’s not- oh my fucking- EVAN, MY MOM’S NOT HOME!!!” Jared jumped out of bed, jumping up and down. Evan bobbed his head, trying to match his enthusiasm. 

Jared’s phone was filled with texts- Alana, over the moon about the project’s success, and Connor, who was honestly grateful Jared had talked to him and helped him. Jared turned to Evan. 

“It’s- it’s TOMORROW, Evan!”

“Yes?” Evan smiled, lopsided. 

Jared wrapped Evan in a hug, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Let’s- let’s go to the second day of school, then!” 

“Actually-“ Evan blushed. “I mean, I don’t think they’re going to teach anything important today so- do you want to ditch with me? Just- spend the day together?”

Jared’s eyes widened, and he was filled with so much affection he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

He kissed Evan gently, and pulled back to press his forehead against Evan’s. He gazed into Evan’s eyes, and smiled.

“I would spend a million days together with you."


End file.
